LGBTQ+ dating terms, explained plainly

Queer language moves quickly, varies between communities and is used differently by different people. You can meet three unfamiliar words on one profile, then find the next person uses one of them in a different way.

This is a plain-language glossary of the terms you're most likely to see on profiles and in early conversations. The definitions are short and neutral, and they describe how most people use a word rather than how everyone does.

How to use this list

Treat each entry as a starting point. People define words for themselves, often for good reasons, and two people with the same label can mean different things by it. If you're not sure what someone means, ask. "What does that mean for you?" lands far better than a guess, particularly when you're asking about them rather than about their body, their history or their proof.

Orientation

• Gay: attraction to people of the same gender. Most often used by men attracted to men, though people of any gender use it.
• Lesbian: a woman who is attracted to women. Some non-binary people use the word too.
• Bisexual (bi): attraction to more than one gender. It doesn't imply an equal split, a particular history or any set number of partners.
• Pansexual (pan): attraction regardless of gender, or to people of all genders. It overlaps heavily with bisexual, and plenty of people use both. Which word someone picks is usually about what fits.
• Queer: an umbrella for anyone who isn't straight or cisgender, and a personal label for people who find other words too narrow. It was once only a slur and has been reclaimed, though some people, often older ones, still dislike it. Use it for yourself freely and for someone else once they use it.
• Sapphic: an umbrella for women and non-binary people attracted to women. It covers lesbian, bi and pan women, and some people like it because it doesn't ask them to choose between those.
• Asexual (ace): experiencing little or no sexual attraction. It's a spectrum, it says nothing on its own about romance or whether someone has sex, and it isn't the same as celibacy. Its counterpart, allosexual, simply means experiencing sexual attraction.
• Aromantic (aro): experiencing little or no romantic attraction. It's separate from asexuality, so someone can be either, both or neither.
• Demisexual and greysexual: demisexual means sexual attraction develops only after a strong emotional bond. Greysexual covers attraction that's rare, weak or depends on circumstances. Both sit on the asexual spectrum.
• Questioning: still working out orientation or gender identity. It isn't a lesser stage, and some people stay there for a long time.

Gender and identity

• Cisgender (cis): someone whose gender matches the one they were assigned at birth. It's a descriptive word, not an insult.
• Transgender (trans): someone whose gender differs from the one they were assigned at birth. A trans man is a man and a trans woman is a woman. Whether someone has had any medical treatment is private, and not a first-date question.
• Non-binary (enby): a gender that isn't only man or only woman. It can mean in between, beyond or without gender, and "enby" is just the spoken form of NB. Related words include genderfluid (a gender that shifts over time), agender (without gender) and genderqueer. Not every non-binary person calls themselves trans, so ask.
• Trans masc and trans femme: describing a trans person whose gender or presentation leans masculine or feminine. Some are trans men or women and some are non-binary, so it's a description to ask about rather than assume.
• Pronouns: the words used to refer to someone when speaking about them, such as she/her, he/him, they/them or others. Some people use more than one. A profile that lists them is telling you how to refer to the person, not announcing their whole identity.
• Intersex: someone born with sex characteristics that don't fit typical definitions of male or female. It's about bodies rather than identity or orientation, and it's different from being trans.
• Masc, femme, butch: words for presentation or style, and sometimes identity. They describe how someone presents, not their gender or who they're attracted to, and they mean slightly different things in different communities.
• Deadnaming and misgendering: deadnaming is using a trans person's former name. Misgendering is using the wrong pronouns or gendered words. If you slip, apologise once, correct it and move on. A long apology makes it their job to comfort you.

Being out, and being private

• Out and not out: being out means being open about being LGBTQ+. It isn't one switch, since someone can be out to friends and not at work, or to a sibling and not to parents. Many people prefer "not out" to "closeted", and the reasons are theirs.
• Discreet: on a profile, usually means someone keeps their orientation or their dating private. It can mean anything from "not out at work" to "nobody can ever know", so it's worth asking what it means to them.
• Outing: revealing someone's orientation or gender identity without their permission. Don't, including by tagging them, forwarding screenshots or mentioning it to mutual friends.
• Chosen family: close friends and others who play the role of family, especially for people whose family of origin isn't supportive.

Shorthand you'll see in bios

• WLW: women who love women. It describes attraction rather than a fixed identity, so it takes in lesbian, bi, pan and queer women.
• MLM: men who love men. The same idea for men, including gay, bi and pan men and those who don't use any of those words.
• Ally: someone who supports LGBTQ+ people without being LGBTQ+ themselves. On a dating profile it tells you about values rather than attraction, so it doesn't say who someone is looking for.
• Top, bottom, vers: words, mostly from gay men's dating spaces, for sexual roles: giving, receiving, or either (versatile). Plenty of people don't use them, and they describe preference, not personality.

Relationship structures

• Monogamy: one partner at a time, usually exclusive.
• Ethical or consensual non-monogamy (ENM): an umbrella for relationships with more than one partner, romantic, sexual or both, where everyone involved knows and agrees. It isn't cheating, which involves breaking an agreement.
• Open relationship: a couple who have agreed that one or both may have sexual or other relationships outside it. The couple usually stays the main relationship, and the agreements vary a lot.
• Polyamory (poly): having, or being open to having, more than one romantic relationship at a time, with everyone's knowledge. It's often about emotional connection, not only sex.
• Solo poly: polyamorous with independence as the structure, so not aiming to merge lives or put one partner above the others.
• Relationship anarchy: an approach that doesn't rank relationships by type, so romance doesn't automatically outrank friendship, and agrees terms with each person individually rather than following a template.
• Queerplatonic partnership (QPP): a committed partnership that isn't defined as romantic and goes beyond what most people mean by friendship. It's common in ace and aro communities, and the commitments are whatever the people in it agree.

Dating slang

• Situationship: a relationship that was never defined, more than friends and less than agreed partners. It works if both people want it that way and becomes a problem when one wants a label.
• DTR: "define the relationship", the conversation where you work out what you are to each other.
• Soft launch and hard launch: soft launching is hinting at a new partner online, such as a hand, a shadow or two glasses on a table, without showing them. Hard launching is posting them openly. Ask first, since not everyone is out online.
• U-Haul: a joke, mostly about sapphic relationships, about moving in together very quickly. People use it fondly or as a warning. Moving fast isn't wrong. The question is whether you'd still choose it at a slower pace.
• Ghosting: cutting off all contact without explanation. A slow fade is the gradual version.
• Breadcrumbing: handing out small bits of attention, like a like or an occasional message, to keep someone interested without any plan to meet or commit.
• Love bombing: overwhelming affection and attention very early on. Sometimes it's plain enthusiasm and sometimes it's a way to speed up closeness. The test is whether it eases off when you ask to go slower.

When you meet a word you don't know

Ask once, with curiosity, and ask about them. "What does that mean for you?" is a good question. Questions about someone's body, medical history or past are not glossary questions, and nobody owes you an answer to them. If a quick search would answer it, do that first and save the question for what only they can tell you.

Take it the same way when it's you. If someone doesn't know a word you use, a one-line definition goes further than a sigh, and you're allowed to say you don't want to explain it today.

Language also changes. Some of these entries will shift, and some labels will mean something different in five years. That's a reason to hold definitions loosely, not a reason to avoid the words.

On Kindrd, orientation and identity are structured fields you can match on and hide from your public profile, so you can use the words that fit without putting them in front of everyone.