Most dating advice assumes a script: attraction, escalation, sex, relationship. If you're asexual or aromantic, that script isn't neutral — it's a set of assumptions you have to correct for, on every app, in every conversation, usually before anything good can start.
This is a guide to dating without that script. Not dating despite being ace or aro — dating as an ace or aro person, which is a different and much better framing.
Asexual means experiencing little or no sexual attraction. Aromantic means experiencing little or no romantic attraction. They're separate axes, which is the part people outside the community most often miss.
- You can be aromantic and allosexual — wanting sex, not wanting romance.
- You can be asexual and alloromantic — wanting a romantic partner, not wanting sex. This is common and often invisible.
- Demisexual: attraction only after a strong emotional bond. Greysexual: rarely, or only under specific conditions.
- Sex-repulsed, sex-neutral, sex-favourable are all real ace positions. Being ace says nothing on its own about whether you'd have sex with a partner.
None of these are a preference you're waiting to grow out of, and none of them are a smaller version of a relationship.
Say it plainly, early, and without apology. Not because you owe anyone a disclosure, but because it's the single most effective filter you have, and every week you don't say it is a week of conversations that were never going to work.
The version that works is specific rather than a label alone. "Asexual" tells someone very little. "Ace — I'm looking for a romantic partner, and sex isn't part of what I'm after" tells them everything, and the people it isn't for will move along quietly, which is exactly what you want them to do.
If you're aromantic and looking for a queerplatonic partnership, name that too. Most people have never heard the term, and the ones who light up when they read it are the ones worth talking to.
Earlier than feels comfortable. The instinct is to wait until someone likes you enough that it won't be a dealbreaker — but that's exactly backwards. It converts a filter into a disappointment, and it means the person who'd have been thrilled never gets the chance.
There's a middle option that doesn't get used enough: a private note visible only to someone who's already shown interest, before you match. It's less exposing than a public profile line and far earlier than a third-date conversation. On Kindrd that's a built-in field, but the principle works anywhere — tell someone who has already indicated interest, before either of you has invested.
The single most useful thing an app can know about you isn't your orientation, it's what you're looking for. Ace and aro people are looking for an unusually wide range of arrangements — a romantic partner without sex, a queerplatonic partner, a companion, a long-term nesting friend — and most apps have one box called "relationship" that flattens all of it.
Look for apps that ask separately about intent and let you say more than one thing. Where a structure field exists, use it. "Still figuring it out" is a legitimate answer that keeps you visible while you work it out.
The good ones share a pattern: you state the shape you want, the other person tells you honestly whether that's their shape, and nobody negotiates. A partner who treats your asexuality as an opening position is not a partner, and the speed with which someone accepts a plain statement is genuinely diagnostic.
Watch for the person who says "that's fine" and then keeps testing it. Believe behaviour over reassurance — the reassurance is free.
Ace and aro people build long, committed, deeply loving partnerships all the time. The scarcity you might feel isn't about how many people could want what you want — it's about how badly most apps are built for saying what that is. Say it plainly, early, and let the filter do its work. The pool gets smaller and enormously better.
