Dating a trans person for the first time

If you're dating a trans or non-binary person for the first time, you may be more worried about getting something wrong than about anything else. That's a decent sign. It means you're taking care.

This guide is for cis people, including queer cis people, who find themselves in that position. It isn't a briefing on trans lives. The person you're dating is the only real authority on theirs. What follows is a set of habits that make you easier to be around.

Start with the one thing that matters most

A trans woman is a woman. A trans man is a man. A non-binary person is non-binary, and that's a complete answer, not a stopping point on the way to something else. When someone tells you their gender, that is their gender. Almost everything else follows from taking that seriously.

It also means you're not dating "a trans person" as a category. You're dating a specific person who happens to be trans, in the way you might be dating someone who happens to be from Leeds or happens to have three siblings. It's part of their story, sometimes a large part, but it isn't all of them. Fixating on it is as unhelpful as pretending it doesn't exist.

It settles a worry many people have, too: what this says about you. If you're a gay man dating a trans man, you're dating a man. If you're a lesbian dating a trans woman, you're dating a woman. Your orientation hasn't moved and there's nothing to defend. If you're dating a non-binary person and the words you use for yourself feel less certain, that's yours to work out, with friends or on your own, not with them.

Curiosity is fine. Interrogation isn't.

Being curious is natural and, on its own, a good sign. The difference lies in who the question serves. Three quick tests.

• Would you ask this of a cis person you'd been seeing for a few weeks? If you wouldn't ask about someone's medical history, their genitals or what they looked like as a teenager, don't ask a trans person.
• Is the answer for you or for them? "Is there anything I can do that would make this easier?" serves the relationship. "So have you had…" mostly serves your curiosity.
• Would you be comfortable being asked it back? If you'd bristle at the question turned round, that tells you something.

The topics that go wrong most reliably are surgery, hormones, genitals, sex, and the person's life before they came out. They aren't forbidden for ever. They're topics your partner will raise if and when they want to, in their own words, and you'll hear far more from patience than from asking.

Questions that tend to work are the ordinary ones, with a little extra attention: What would you like me to know? Is there anything that feels good or bad when I do this? How do you want to handle it with my friends? How did that go for you today?

Do some of the learning yourself. Trans-led organisations and charities publish plain-language explainers, and reading them means the person you're dating doesn't have to be your teacher as well as your date. If they choose to tell you things, listen and believe them. If they don't, that isn't a lack of trust.

Bodies and boundaries

Treat intimacy the way you would with anyone new, with a bit more attention to the fact that you don't know their history with their body and shouldn't assume it.

• Ask, don't guess, what they'd like and what's off limits. Some trans people have parts of their body they'd rather not have touched or mentioned. Others have none. Both are normal.
• Use their words. Many people have particular words for their bodies and not others. Use theirs, and don't correct them.
• Treat "no" and "not yet" as complete answers. No debate, no sulking, no need for a reason.
• Don't comment on whether they "pass". "You'd never know" is meant kindly and lands as proof that you were checking.
• Don't make it a test or a trophy. Telling someone what it means to you that they're trans, or treating their body as a novelty — either is the quickest route to a short relationship.
• Talk about sexual health the way you would with anyone: openly, early, and without assumptions about what their body or history involves.

Be honest with yourself about attraction, too. If you realise this isn't for you, it's kind to say so early. But if the reason is a feeling that they're not really a man or a woman, that isn't a preference. It's a disagreement with their gender, and it's worth working out which one it is before you act on it.

Names and pronouns

Use the name and pronouns they've given you, in every room, including the ones they're not in. How you speak about someone when they're absent says more about your respect than how you speak to their face.

• You will slip. Correct it, say sorry in one short sentence, and carry on. A long apology turns a small mistake into something they have to manage for you.
• Practise out loud when you're alone. It's an unfamiliar sentence for a few weeks and then it isn't. If they use they/them, practise in full sentences: "They said they'll be late" gets natural quicker than you'd expect.
• Don't ask for, use or pass on a previous name. If you come across one, treat it as theirs to mention.
• Ask once, not constantly. Names and pronouns can change over time. A quiet "still good with these?" now and then is fine. A regular quiz isn't.

When someone else gets it wrong in front of you, you can correct the sentence without a scene: "She's running late, actually." Check with your partner first how they'd like that handled. Some prefer to do it themselves, and some don't want any fuss.

Privacy: being trans is theirs to share

Whether someone is trans, who knows, and how much they know are things that person decides. For some, being outed can cost a job, a home, a relationship or their safety. For others it means an awkward conversation. You usually can't tell which from the outside.

• Never tell anyone without clear say-so — friends, colleagues, exes, family, the friend who'd definitely be fine with it.
• Ask what's okay, specifically. "Who knows? What can I say, and to whom?" Different answers for different rooms are normal.
• Don't assume they're out everywhere, or nowhere.
• Check before you post. Photos, tags, locations, anything with their name on it. Get a yes first.
• If someone asks, don't confirm. "That's for her to say" ends the conversation without telling anyone anything.
• Don't go looking. Old photos, old names and hidden profile fields are not mysteries to solve. They're boundaries.

Out in public, pay attention to what feels comfortable for them, which may differ from what feels comfortable for you. Where they'd rather sit, which places they'd rather avoid, how they like to arrive and leave. Ask what helps instead of improvising a rescue.

Meeting friends and family

Ask before you plan anything. Some people want to meet your friends early, some want to wait, and some would rather you didn't mention them for a while. The pace is theirs to set.

• Do the preparing yourself. If your friends or family have questions or opinions, you answer them, not your partner. Don't hand them an audience and a seminar to run.
• Introduce them as your partner, girlfriend, boyfriend or whichever word they use. Not as "my trans girlfriend", unless they'd like that. Their medical history isn't introductory material.
• Set the ground rules with your people first. Name, pronouns, and that other kinds of comment will end the visit. A short message beforehand does more than good intentions on the day.
• Step in early. If someone misgenders them, jokes at their expense or asks something intrusive, say something straight away, so your partner doesn't have to choose between speaking up and keeping the peace.
• Give them an exit. Agree a signal, and be willing to leave early without making it a thing.
• If your own family reacts badly, that's yours to deal with. Don't report it back as a grievance for them to absorb.

What to avoid

• Asking about surgery, hormones, genitals or "before".
• Treating them as a spokesperson for every trans person.
• Telling them you "don't see" them as trans, or that they're not like other trans people. Both mean well — and both erase something.
• Being so careful that you stop being yourself. They want a person, not a person on best behaviour.
• Making your adjustment their job. Your confusion is real and also yours to work through, with friends, reading or a counsellor.
• Being drawn to trans people as a category rather than to the person in front of you. They'll notice, and they'll be right to.
• Reading every disagreement as being about their gender, or none of them.

When you get it wrong

You will, at some point. A wrong word, a clumsy question, a joke that didn't land. What matters is the repair. Apologise once, clearly. Say what you'll do differently, and then do it. Don't ask them to tell you it's fine, because that's another job handed to them.

Most of what's above is ordinary good dating with the attention turned up. If you're matched on Kindrd with someone who shares little at first, or who has hidden some fields, that's their pace and not a puzzle for you to solve. Profiles are private by default and fields can be hidden while still matching, and block and report are there if anyone ignores that.